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Congratulations and Greetings!

2019-06-10

BIG D, TEXAS- The LONESTAR PUCK is back this summer with some updates for our loyal fan base and have even launched a new social profile to commemorate the occasion! So please allow us to reintroduce ourselves!

There have been some recent changes going into the offseason this year and these will have ripple effects across the league in some way or another. The BIGGEST change is that we have a new Champion in JC LALONDE which may sound like yesterday’s news but we know at the PUCK, nothing is official until JC videos himself running around the block in a speedo carrying the DCHL Cup. We need to see it JC. Draft Day is the perfect day! MATT WATTERS only has one suit jacket and BOSTON doesn’t have a first to trade for CALLUM BOOTH. You are literally going to have to carry the broadcast and even if the BLOCK is too much to ask, just use all of your winnings to buy a bigger drive way. As the PRESIDENT’S TROPHY and newly crowned CHAMPION we know you can afford it! The question is, how far out does your Wi-Fi go because we all know you are too cheap to pay for mobile data!

So congrats to our new champion and many thanks for BUFFALO and CHICAGO for proving the PUCK knows a thing or two because we picked a team or two! It literally feels like yesterday when I waved the Indian Head proclaiming you as the CENTRAL FAVORITE and not even the magic of upstart MINNESOTA could excelsior you into oblivion. No, No, No, you vanquished your foes with all the class and dignity of a Canadian Frenchman which is to say, The War of 1812 probably deserves a sequel by now.

Just kidding, just kidding, 18th Century Warfare is not funny at all, and neither is religion. Which makes this next point VERY SERIOUS. Our lord and savior of the SIM has cast down his favored son from the KINGDOM OF GOVERNORS to realm of lowly mortals such as yourselves! Or should I say “Oui zay Mortayls?” Listen, I don’t know how to spell French but you don’t need a Google Translator to know, I am no longer part of the machine! I’m not only going back to college to the TOP RANKED program in my field but I am literally banished from the league bureaucracy for the sake of personal time management. This league is important so I know there will be some replacement plan drafted up at the very last minute but what is MORE IMPORTANT is you need to be IN THE ROOM WHEN YOU BABYSIT! And I need the cash from babysitting for keg stands on GREEK ROW.

Speaking of Babysitting, I’ve been largely absent. A move across country with a Toddling Beauty is hard, even with a Jeep Renegade and Fiat 500C. The task was so arduous I accidentally hired a babysitter with a RAP SHEET. Not only that, I was DUMB ENOUGH TO FIRE HER! Which proves all along, picking the right leader for the common folk of the DCHL is extremely important. I look forward to being your fallen angel my fellow DCHL commoners, and perhaps even swiftly written out of our league administrative history!

I’m just kidding, our rule book hasn’t been updated in years, but I’m serious about the break from the BOG duties. I not only get to go back to college, I also get to slack around the league show up to DCHL morning classes smelling like FIREBALL, because apparently that is the drink of the generation. Or So I Am Told…

 

On more positive notes, the PUCK is so thrilled with what we’ve done this year with the ST. BALDRICKS Fundraiser that we look forward to supporting another iteration in the 2019-2020 season! We raised something like 140 USD for Adam and Cory’s team with our losing. And yet overperformed our way to “NOT A LOTTERY PICK” for the first year of drafting ever. I call both of these a win because having a guy like ALEX NEWHOOK in the mix really turns on all the “HOOK’EM HORNS” types from down the street. We call that a MATCH MADE IN TEXAS!

And finally, we want to extend the opportunity to the humble members of the league to either friend the LS PUCK account for future trade negotiations and interaction. We understand the migration of platform may cause concern before draft day so feel free to “AT ME” on my personal account as well. Hopefully after UFA a good rhythm can be established so people don’t blow up my phone for BO HORVAT during a critical lecture.

Thank you for all the love and indisputable support you have given the PUCK throughout the years and now I set my eyes to the Toronto Raptors because if there is anything TEXANS hate more than foreigners, it is CALIFORNIA. See you at the DRAFT!

 

This has been the LONESTAR PUCK REPORTING!